Episode 1: Opens with our Protagonist (that's his name for now) at Ikea, shopping for dorm furniture. He is excited for the upcoming year, though his mom keeps badgering him about spending so much money at Ikea when he could just go to Walmart and buy the same things for slightly less money. He tells her not to worry, saying that they will also spend plenty of money at Walmart, too. Then, the frame fades to a shot of our Protagonist, now sweaty and irritated, as he loads a U-Haul with all of the things he bought at Ikea. Episode ends on a hopeful note after our Protagonist has finally moved in and his family has left. Animal Collective plays in the background, because white people really like that. Especially white people who are in college.
Episode 2: Tragedy strikes when our Protagonist goes to buy his textbooks and discovers they cost nearly half of his entire tuition. Now without money (but a bunch of heavy books), our Protagonist must attend numerous "Get to Know You" events on campus simply to get free food.
Episode 3: First day of class. The horrors of Episode 2 behind him, our Protagonist once again looks forward to new opportunities, new classes, and meeting new people. Yet, after breakfast, due to an unscheduled poo brought on by all the free food, he misses the bus and is thus late for class. Also, he now has a clogged toilet to contend with (a sad effect of the poo) and no plunger with which to unclog it. Will our Protagonist pull through!? We don't find out yet because the producers cruelly make you wait until Episode 4 for the resolution. Coldplay drones in the background as the credits roll, because, as before, white people really like that.
Episode 4: With the poo problem resolved, our Protagonist must begin his first homework assignments of the semester: reading three novels and writing a five page paper. The rest of the episode shows our Protagonist on Facebook.
Due to low ratings and the suicide of one of the show's writers, the network decides to cancel Secret Life of the American College Student just four episodes into its run. Too bad, really, because Episode 5 would have been so worth it: our Protagonist goes to Walmart for food, and then buys four 2-liters of Diet Cherry 7-Up simply because they were on sale, only to find out later that they were on sale because Diet Cherry 7-Up tastes like bad kid's vitamins. He leaves with pretzels, a copy of Die Hard, and his four 2-liters of Diet Cherry 7-Up.