Secret Life of the American College Student, Season 1 Outline

Episode 1: Opens with our Protagonist (that's his name for now) at Ikea, shopping for dorm furniture. He is excited for the upcoming year, though his mom keeps badgering him about spending so much money at Ikea when he could just go to Walmart and buy the same things for slightly less money. He tells her not to worry, saying that they will also spend plenty of money at Walmart, too. Then, the frame fades to a shot of our Protagonist, now sweaty and irritated, as he loads a U-Haul with all of the things he bought at Ikea. Episode ends on a hopeful note after our Protagonist has finally moved in and his family has left. Animal Collective plays in the background, because white people really like that. Especially white people who are in college.

Episode 2: Tragedy strikes when our Protagonist goes to buy his textbooks and discovers they cost nearly half of his entire tuition. Now without money (but a bunch of heavy books), our Protagonist must attend numerous "Get to Know You" events on campus simply to get free food.

Episode 3: First day of class. The horrors of Episode 2 behind him, our Protagonist once again looks forward to new opportunities, new classes, and meeting new people. Yet, after breakfast, due to an unscheduled poo brought on by all the free food, he misses the bus and is thus late for class. Also, he now has a clogged toilet to contend with (a sad effect of the poo) and no plunger with which to unclog it. Will our Protagonist pull through!? We don't find out yet because the producers cruelly make you wait until Episode 4 for the resolution. Coldplay drones in the background as the credits roll, because, as before, white people really like that.

Episode 4: With the poo problem resolved, our Protagonist must begin his first homework assignments of the semester: reading three novels and writing a five page paper. The rest of the episode shows our Protagonist on Facebook.

Due to low ratings and the suicide of one of the show's writers, the network decides to cancel Secret Life of the American College Student just four episodes into its run. Too bad, really, because Episode 5 would have been so worth it: our Protagonist goes to Walmart for food, and then buys four 2-liters of Diet Cherry 7-Up simply because they were on sale, only to find out later that they were on sale because Diet Cherry 7-Up tastes like bad kid's vitamins. He leaves with pretzels, a copy of Die Hard, and his four 2-liters of Diet Cherry 7-Up.

A new series: Secret Life of the American College Student.

Forget depictions of high school drama. Forget portrayals of raucous college parties where everyone runs around in their underwear while a handful of super-inebriated sorority sisters pass out on the lawn. Forget about stoners in a dimly lit apartment littered with pizza crusts, Xbox controllers, and porn. I'm talking about something even more secret than that-- actual people.

In order to demonstrate just how thrilling and controversial their lives really are, I'll be posting with my ideas for episodes of this exciting new show (coming to no networks everywhere). Look forward to it.

Am I this addicted?

I think it's official: I'm physically addicted to caffeine. Either that, or I am just so monumentally exhausted that it has ceased to have any effect on me. This morning, I plowed through nearly six cups of coffee before I even left my apartment, and am almost certain to make a trip to the Espresso Royal later on in the day.

Admittedly, I am not proud of this. My body aches for sleep, which I don't fully understand since I have been getting anywhere from 7-9 hrs of it per night (much better than last semester). My mental acuity is really suffering; in fact, I'm struggling to even formulate these sentences right now. I'm so tired that, even after having ingested those six cups of coffee, I could still go back to bed and sleep till noon with little problem.

ASHHHSOAIFAOSIJD. Does anybody have some insight?

Not doing so well on updates, am I?

After pledging that I would keep this blog up-to-date, life got the better of me, and my posts tapered off. But alas! One should not fear-- I'll be posting on here whether anyone reads it or not! (Wait... that doesn't sound very appealing.)

This past weekend was Intervarsity's Winter Retreat. I had an amazing time, and it was a privilege to serve on the worship team (felt like old times, actually)! I have been completely stunned by everyone's kindness to me. They have accepted me into the fold to the point that I feel I have known many of them for much longer than I actually have. I deeply respect the Illinois chapter of IV for truly living out their faith, lending practical application to something that can often exist solely as a closed social club for Jesus.

Also, the Saints first Super Bowl victory was much deserved. I felt sad for Peyton Manning, but he'll get another turn next year, as he always does. Plus, the Saints played a great game-- nothing was handed to them-- and for all that they represent for the city of New Orleans, it was a victory that meant so much more than a shiny trophy and a trip to Disney World. Geaux Saints.

And finally, my Fighting Illini pulled off a spectacular win against Michigan State on Saturday. ESPN Gameday was on hand, the country was watching, and (for the first time in my short career here) we did not disappoint! GO ILLINI.