On a completely unrelated note to the rest of this post: I like iTunes 9. The layout is fresh--makes me feel like I've got a whole new iTunes. Anyway...
As I have alluded to in previous posts, the transition to life at Illinois has been a rocky one. It has made me even more aware of the gaping problems in my life, and also reopened a few old wounds that I thought had healed over. Be that as it may, I believe I'm making a great deal of progress in sorting it all out. For one, I came to the realization that the problems I have faced this past nine months are not new to me-- in reading through a few old journal entries, I came across instances detailing difficulties almost identical to the ones presently plaguing me. Reading in my own handwriting the words of desperation and frustration spill out across the page brought me a sense of relief. Obviously, I pulled through a slump like this before, so I should be able to do it again.
Second, I became aware that my present state of mind is defeating itself; I perpetually shoot myself in the foot simply by thinking and living the way that I do. I have not been placing adequate importance on the things that I care most about, with the result being that I only spend my time doing things I don't like to do. I spend too much time fretting over the wrong assignments, doing the wrong activities, and not going to bed on time (which, as stupid as it sounds, is important.) Ultimately, this leaves me feeling depleted, both physically and psychologically.
As humans, we must have a sound structure from which to live our lives. If our foundations-- the way we view ourselves, the things we do, our hopes and dreams-- are not strong and well-defined, then we tend to crumble under the weight of life's mundanities and obligations. In my case, I have an idealized form of myself in my mind which I try to live up to. The farther my actions deviate from this idealized "me," the more I deteriorate and more purposeless I tend to feel. If, however, I am staying true to this idealized form of self, then I tend to perform better and be an overall happier person. It has now become my goal to reorganize my life so that I can--with hope-- move closer to living the life I want to live rather than the life I settle for.
For me, passion is everything.