Get the wheels turning.

In the spirit of a more stream-of-consciousness blogging style, I give you this:

Life weaves in and out.

My journey toward ordination in the Episcopal Church moves steadily (and encouragingly) onward. The incredible outpouring of support from my home parish has rendered me awestruck; never before have I experienced what it looks like to be a "church family"-- to have people who love you, challenge you, and encourage you while remaining honest about their own struggles and shortcomings-- as I have seen these past months. If I had to choose one word to describe this experience so far, it would be this: affirmation.

I hope this next thought doesn't qualify as a conflict of interest to any Commission on Ministry members, but I have come to a place of openly admitting to myself that I miss Britain rather terribly. For a time, I tried to pretend as though I was getting along with little or no reverse culture shock; but alas, it is not so, and I must now be honest in saying that, months after being back in the US, I would hop back over there in a heartbeat if the opportunity presented itself. It might be hard to keep me away for my PhD.

I've realized the need for a shift in the way I spend my days to avoid feeling like a complete failure of productivity every time I turn my light out to go to sleep. Step one: writing in the reading room of the Main Library. We'll see if this helps.

I always pivot between feeling comfortable sharing my opinions in a public space (like a blog), and feeling like I should just keep things to myself. Surely there must be a balance.

There is perhaps an entire post that should be written on my Confirmation that took place Sept. 25, but now is not the time.

The Wordpress Cometh.

I really am quite close to making a switch to Wordpress, but only two things hold me back: the fact that I like the layout I've created over here, and that I have no time to make the switch (despite already having had a Wordpress account for nearly 4 years). I've just deleted all the moody, hormonally-driven diatribes over at the Wordpress account (that is to say, all of them), and so you are welcome to check it out at bythepen.wordpress.com. Bland, huh? Exactly. And I'm not sure if I like the whole "By The Pen.: A Life Lived Out In Words" thing. I've changed so much since I started that blog, and this one has evolved with me rather than remain fixed in the strata of internet time. I'll see what I can do with it. If I like the space-- if I can make it homey and inviting-- then this one will drop into oblivion. If not, then this is what you've got, and I'll try to make a point to update more often.

My Confirmation is little over a week away, and I must admit I have not managed to keep up my daily devotion and readings as I had hoped. School has gotten in the way, and I have gotten behind... in everything. On a better note, however, my dad randomly drove down and spent Thursday evening with me, which was certainly welcome. We went to dinner and then went back to his hotel to watch football and talk theology. The following morning, we went to breakfast for a few hours before I had class. Such quality time spent together made up for all the time I have lost in prayer and devotional reading over the past few weeks.

I meet with Bishop Martins on Friday. I can't express how excited I am to get this under way. My Discernment Committee meetings are just about to get started, which means I am finally feeling a sense of progress toward this day that I feel has been so long in the coming-- a day whose genesis I can trace all the way back to 2007. It is sobering when disparate elements of life's narrative come together to provide the perspective necessary to observe the beautiful tapestry it has woven in those times of worry, strife, difficulty, happiness, and perseverance.

Now, back to reading!

Need to motivate? Just caffeinate.

I think I've located the problem with my rampant apathy-- I haven't used my coffeemaker at all this semester. Yet this weekend my family brought with them to Champaign a bag of pumpkin spice coffee from World Market, perhaps marking an end to my coffee maker abstinence...

Scatterbrained.

Putting it mildly, I'd say I've been rather busy. Putting it honestly, I'd say I haven't had enough hours in the day.

I update here only because I feel the need to let my fingers type, and because it's late and my brain won't really do anything else.

 I'm not sure what's happening to me, but I find that my mind has seemingly turned to cotton inside my head, never bothering to complete thoughts of any substantive length and refusing to make connections between concepts in my seminars and discussion sections. This is either the fault of Twitter, or my allergies have me in a bad, bad fog. I pray it's the latter.

My formal discernment process for ordination has moved rather slowly, though I hope to change this in the coming weeks. As my Confirmation approaches, I have tried to spend a bit more time in prayer and reflection, but I haven't always managed to achieve this goal, as mostly I've been working on interfaith events.

Look for me to switch back to Wordpress pretty soon-- I'm not a fan of Google's new changes to the Blogger interface, and I don't know how I feel about my blog being sucked into the grand streamlined Google machine that comes in the wake of Google+, especially when one considers that I don't have Google+ in the first place. 

Until then I'll spew my thoughts in here when I get a spare minute.

Down South.

Since being back in the States I've not had but a few minutes rest, and this blog doesn't stand so high on my list of priorities. Yet I felt rather guilty for not at least saying something in this space, even as I contemplate switching back to a Wordpress account in light of all this Google+ excitement. So I thought I might just word vomit for a second. Here you are:

Despite my lack of writing, I've actually had quite a bit spinning around inside my head begging to get out somehow. Whether it be the stresses of recent debacles in American politics or news on the progress toward ordination, something has been weighing heavy on my mind ever since I touched down at O Hare.

And even now, sitting at my relatives' house in southern MS, I think I'm caught somewhere in between lives. One life will open. The other will close. Either way, I will grow more into myself.

I feel like I have a secret to tell, but I'm not sure what it is.

I need to work on streamlining my online presence. Things are too disparate.

I like not shaving. I think I look awesome with a bit of scruff.

Wedding planning offers no dearth of difficult choices. SO MANY BOUQUETS ON MY BROWSER.

More of this exciting life to come soon...

Internet finds.

Well, I leave London tomorrow morning, and will arrive in Chicago around dinner time.

Yet I found this article online and thought it worth sharing. I may or may not share my thoughts about it, but I think you all know which parts I disagree with and why.

Getting ready to go.

I feel like I'm packing my memories into a suitcase.

As the birds chirp outside and the sun falls behind the treeline, casting the chimneys outside my window into silhouette, I sit here at my desk, listening to a lecture and typing this entry while drinking a bottle of Hobgoblin and trying to center myself before my time in England comes to an end. I feel unable to register my place in this story, unable to understand that come this Sunday, I will be in Chicago, sleeping in my own bed, and rediscovering all the clothes I've forgotten about during this past six months. I'll unpack. I'll look through my things. If I'm lucky, I might shed a tear.

On the plane I will pen a long entry in my journal, filling the last twenty or so pages with the wrist-aching ink-spill of my last month in York, my last memories, and my last recollections. I'll sum up. I'll process.

Until then, I'll attend my last Evensong at the Minster tomorrow night and hope to head to the pub afterwards with David and those who I have grown close. I will spend tomorrow in town. I will walk the cobbled streets and the strong stone walls around the city and take pictures of everything I see. I will try to soak it all in and I know I will fail. It will slip through my hand like sand or like water, and I will wish time would slow to a standstill for just long enough to etch the skyline into my memory or burn the beauty of the museum gardens into my mind.

And yet, despite the way my words may sound, I do not lament the end of my time here if for no other reason than I do not think it the end. I feel confident I will return, and that I should look forward to my return home rather than mourn the end of my stay in York. Time's march forward is a necessary part of life. It cannot be avoided.

My time here as a visiting student is over; this chapter has closed. I cannot stay here under these same auspices, as the purpose of this trip has been fulfilled and the next part of my journey takes place at home. I've relished my time here, but I look forward to taking the changes that have transpired within me back to my life in the States, back to normalcy, to resume the narrative after this quick break for rejuvenation and discernment.

And so it is with excitement and gratitude that I turn my attention to coming home, to having traveled (in the words of Bilbo Baggins) "there and back again."